Today, I feel lost.

Blergh.

 

Today, I don’t think I overslept, 6 hours of sleeping is normal duration of sleeping. After done studying, I went to my room and lie down on my bed. Stared on the ceiling and tried hard to sleep.

 

Planning what to do next when I wake up. Blah blah blah. Tap tap my phone. Setting my alarm clock. And trying to shut my eyes. Letting my thoughts float in imaginary world of sweet dreams.

 

Indeed. I dreamt of sweet dreams. I felt overwhelmed by a cute little face, fair and soft skin on her. I dreamt of giving birth to a cute little princess. Pregnant? Heck no. I am not married yet and how can I get pregnant? It’s just a dream, but a dream that made my whole day wondering, will I be a good mother one day?

 

Questioning myself with the same question over and over again, made me suffocate a little. I feel something lately. Everytime I dream of anything, the next day I wake up something happen related to my dreams.

 

I dreamt of missing my childhood friends, and the next I know they were tagging me in Facebook for class picture. I dreamt of giving birth, then I see my friend is getting married, another friend is pregnant for 7 months and today, I can not forget the feeling I had for the child I gave birth to in my dream! I even said, “Alhamdulillah…” after I saw the baby is born, covered with some blood and amniotic fluid with the umbilical cord still attached.

 

The baby is so cute, fair, chubby, and healthy. The look on her face made me wondering…is this for real? No. It’s only a dream…

 

I tried to make my self more cheerful today, but I ended crying, for unknown reason. I wanted to cook, but I ended watching District 9 on my laptop. I called home, and Kak Nurul answered. Mama and Suha off to Melaka, for short vacation in a bungalow somewhere in Melaka. Ayah was about to enter a meeting.

 

No one else to call. Everyone probably is busy. Lectures maybe? Em..

 

I wasted about 12 hours without studying, today. Meals for today? Dinner of yesterday, cereal and milk. Breakfast as in today, nestum and milk. Told you, my sleep cycle is upside down. People sleep, I am awake, and when they’re awake, I’m sleeping. Total mess. I know.

 

I feel so lost that I have no desire to do anything. Bad me.